Today, I’m just not sure. About anything. I’ve been in a funk lately, and I feel like everything is hazy and weird. I feel maybe lost, maybe exhausted, maybe uninspired, maybe directionless, maybe listless…maybe all of them. I just feel so unlike myself this week. I have possibly lost my ambition for greater things. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here, and it is such a foreign feeling to me.
I used to want to conquer the world – be a lawyer that stood up for human rights or was invested in helping change international relations through the law and working with the UN. Be a wedding dress designer that made beautiful, elegant masterpieces for brides that they would treasure forever. Be a painter who was able to spill her emotions out in a really vulnerable way that could be seen and understood and appreciated by others. Be a professor of something thought-provoking and interesting; someone who would inspire the future (but at the college level) to do great things. Be a wedding/special event planner, making couples’ dreams come to life for their special day. So many things that I wanted to do. And I have accomplished none of them.
I have been a massage therapist (and a pretty decent one, at that!), but my back issues bested me, and I had to stop. I have been a student for many, many years, and am, really, tired of people asking me when I am finally going to do something with my life…as if I haven’t tried! But a BA in Political Science doesn’t really get me many offers, if you know what I mean. I can’t commit to things for very long without getting bored or frustrated…this is something that I cherish and despise about myself. I like that I feel free to leave things that make me unhappy, but I wish that I could find the joy in something to help inspire me to stick it out. I have been down many paths and tried many things, but I truly do not know where any of my specialties lie.
For a long time, I considered being a therapist. I was inspired to this path again a few years ago when a dear friend committed suicide, and I found out that his professional life (former Army Ranger and had been a Firefighter at the time of his death) kind of gave way to those sorts of problems and choices. Many firefighters/police officers/military men take their lives yearly…I wanted to help. But I couldn’t get accepted into a program for it, so I had to give up that dream.
I guess I’m just rambling, but it feels important to share miserable things and not just amazingly positive ones (though I do try to see the silver lining in everything). I remember reading research about how social media causes depression in some people because of the comparisons they make between themselves and the highlight reels everyone else puts out there. I’m not like that, personally. I have scars and bumps and blemishes. Those are as much of me as my triumphs are.
For example, I like to consider myself a runner (I’ve run a half-marathon and I am training for another…so I’m claiming that label, dammit!), but today I was playing soccer with the family and my shins were feeling like I had shin splints again. My legs were heavy and achey…after just a few minutes of running around! I felt like a fraud and a failure. I sat in the tub soaking for nearly an hour after, as walking up the stairs made me want to cry. In fact, last time I ran, I had to cut my long run short by a mile because of all the pain I was in. I feel like a disappointment and a failure with my efforts often. Especially with running. I know that losing weight will make running easier, and I am truly effecting to make that happen in addition to my training. I am trying to formulate a training plan that involves my running (gotta get those miles in) as the focus, and then also involves strength training to help me build muscle to eat away the fat. I eat pretty dang well. Salads, plant-based proteins, grains, fruits, and just so much deliciousness. I am having a hard time tracking everything (I really stumble a lot there, no lies), but I am at least eating good quality food. I have been losing weight, just not very fast. I know that it takes time, and I also know that running is really not the most effective way to do that. Hence me trying to come up with a good, balanced plan so that I can kick the next half’s ass AND start slimming down so that I can 1) wear a bikini at the beach and love myself in it before I’m 35, and 2) have some super hot wedding photos to always look back on! I mean, the other benefits being that I want to live a long, healthy life so that we can have kiddos, and adventure around the world…among other things.
Anyway, I know this is long and really complain-y, but I’m not feeling inspired or ambitious today. It’s a rough day. I will still eat well tomorrow. I will still go for a long walk. I will still plan my workouts for the rest of the week (I just bought a new book to help with half training AND I have one for vegan athletes…sooo excited to look at that, as well!). I will still try to figure out some things I’d like to pursue. I will still look for jobs and send countless emails in that search. I will still do brain mapping to try to connect with my truest desires. I will still meditate and ask the universe for some guidance.
I will still be. And I know that days like this happen. Heck, weeks and months like this happen. But life goes on, and I know that I cannot just sit and watch things go by. I know that I have to keep trudging along because I don’t want to be at a point where I have more regrets than I do joys. None of the “I’ll just do it tomorrow,” and I don’t want to feel “I wish I’d started this sooner.” I’ll keep working on bettering myself and my life, because that’s all I can do.
I’ll do something I love tomorrow. I’ll design some dresses and I’ll read. I’ll sit in the sun and drink coffee. I’ll organize my stuff and do laundry. I’ll kiss my handsome fiancé and flirt with him some. I’ll enjoy Sunday.
Brief thankfulness: I am so thankful for technology, today. Even though I hate having to use it, generally, and most technological devices hate me as well…My fiancé’s family is here from out of the country, and his wonderful grandfather doesn’t speak any English. Technology helped us to communicate better with him, and we could tell that he really appreciated and enjoyed it. We are practicing more and more every day, but it is hard to get some of the nuances and some of the words just right when we haven’t had to practice in ages. Also, totally thankful that his family is here, but more on that in the future!
Thanks for listening to my rant!
The quote is attributed to Mary Anne Radmacher, btw!