A Strange Mixture

Today has been a strange day, emotionally. Ups and downs – I have been all over the place. From super-motivated, to hopeless, to excited and bustling, back to down…it has been an exceptionally rough day. I feel lost, really. Like I don’t have a real purpose or drive for anything. And I don’t know how to find one, either. I feel the pressure of monetary constraints breathing down my neck as I search for something that ignites even a spark in my soul. I don’t want to be a zombie just trudging through life – I want to thrive and adventure through it. Sigh.

I got to run for the first time in 3 weeks. It wasn’t bad, at all. I certainly need new shoes, but there was NO SHIN PAIN, and I couldn’t be more delighted about it! I began to organize my creative space today, also. That is a nice challenge for this week. I can’t wait to finish and be able to spend hours in there just making. 

What else? Ah yes, I cooked! Made delicious lentils that are so low calorie, I couldn’t believe it. They are wonderful and I can’t wait for lunch tomorrow! I also made a pretty banging salad with homemade dressing, as well! I love food!

I think my sadness and hopelessness come from a few things. One, we have started looking at wedding things and they are all expensive and don’t even feel like “us.” I want to put all that on hold for now, but at the same time, it is a delightful distraction thinking of dresses and colors. Another is that we keep changing our plans. I feel like I should be used to that, but it throws me off so much, I almost prefer us not to make plans at all. I feel like I’m just existing and not even truly living. It is horrible and my soul is shriveling and dying. Lastly, I really don’t know. I don’t know where to start or what direction to go in. Do I go back to law school? Do I have the passion for it? Do I do something creative? How do I start working toward the life and lifestyle I’ve always wanted? How do I reconcile if those two don’t match up? How do I craft my life into something worth having?

Those are the things weighing my head down for the past few weeks, hence no updates. I have a positive outlook on running and eating, I wish the rest of my life would catch up. 

Tomorrow is a new beginning. I intend to work more on the creative room and maybe start a project. I have like a billion pairs of old jeans and I want to make a corset (and a skirt and maybe a dress one day). I am going to eventually teach myself pattern-making/drafting and how to sew my designs. I’d really love to be able to make my own wedding dress or something. 

I am thankful for patience and candles and long baths. Just what I needed after a stressful day.



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